How do I deal with envy when someone else gets what I want?

Envy can contain admiration, grief and an accusation against yourself in the same moment. Before judging the feeling, ask what the other person's success appears to prove: that your effort was wasted, that there is not enough recognition, that a door has closed for you?

Some competition is real. Some conclusions about your worth are not established by its result. Try separating the particular disappointment from a verdict on your whole life.

You need not manufacture delight immediately. You can behave decently while allowing yourself time to acknowledge the loss or frustration privately.

Then see whether the envy identifies a wish you still want to pursue. It may reveal a direction. It does not entitle you to diminish someone else's achievement, nor does it require diminishing your own possibilities.

Jing finds a possible wish within envy. I would be careful not to make every feeling earn its place by becoming useful. Sometimes disappointment needs to be felt before it can tell you anything worth doing.

Notice the difference between wanting the same good and wanting the other person deprived of it. The first may lead you towards your own work. The second can keep you dependent on a life you do not control.

You may congratulate someone without pretending that the news was easy. A sincere acknowledgement can be small. It need not describe your entire emotional condition.

Return, when you can, to the work and relationships that remain yours. Another person's good fortune has become part of your day. It need not become the organising principle of your future.

Envy is a peculiar estate agent. It takes you through someone else's house, points out everything magnificent and refuses to let you inspect the plumbing.

You return to your own home convinced that your curtains constitute a personal defeat.

Jang would like you to stop organising your future around the neighbour. Good. The neighbour has not agreed to cooperate. They may buy another curtain at any moment.

You are permitted a private sulk. I recommend one without permanent structural changes. Then ask whether you actually want a house like that, or merely the expression people make when they see it.

If you still want it, you can consider your own next step. The estate agent will suggest watching the neighbour's windows all evening. Remember who is being paid by the viewing.