Why do I keep choosing people who are not good for me?

There may be something familiar in the people you choose, but familiarity is only one possibility. Someone can also seem attentive early on, or you may discover a harmful pattern only after becoming attached. Being mistreated is not evidence that you secretly wanted it.

Look at the sequence rather than simply judging your taste. What first attracts you? When does discomfort appear? What do you tell yourself then? Perhaps intensity feels like proof of interest, or you feel responsible for understanding behaviour that leaves you lonely. These are possibilities to investigate, not verdicts about your character.

A useful change might happen before the next major commitment: taking more time, keeping contact with friends, treating repeated disrespect as information. You do not need to become perfectly secure before deserving care. You can practise choosing differently while still finding the familiar person compelling.

Jing considers the pattern within attraction. I would look also at where you have opportunities to meet people, what behaviour your circle regards as normal, and what limits your freedom to leave. A personal explanation can become too narrow if it ignores the surroundings.

Nor must understanding someone lead to accommodating them. You may appreciate why a person struggles and still decide that their conduct makes a relationship unworkable. Compassion does not assign you the task of becoming its testing ground.

Instead of seeking a person who produces no uncertainty, consider the kind of conduct you want to practise together: keeping small promises, accepting refusals, making repairs without humiliation. These qualities can appear less dramatic than longing or pursuit. Give them enough time to become interesting. A quieter beginning may contain more life than an exhausting one.

Your romantic casting department may be hiring exclusively from the same theatrical agency. Different face, different coat, same man entering through a window because doors are 'too conventional'. The audition is thrilling. By the second act you are repairing the window.

I suggest changing the audition. Keep the charm; simply add a scene in which you disagree about dinner. Another in which you are unavailable. Ask the candidate to hear the word 'no' without delivering a monologue about betrayal.

This is not a scheme for identifying villains by Tuesday. People are complicated, and some perform beautifully until the contract is signed. Keep your friends in the audience. They sometimes notice that the scenery is on fire before the lead actors do.

Jang favours small promises. Excellent. Let the next romantic epic begin with someone arriving when they said they would. We can hire the orchestra later.