Should I get married?

Marriage can mean security, public commitment, belonging, or the hope that a relationship will finally feel settled. Ask what you want it to change and what you already know it cannot repair. A ceremony may recognise trust; it cannot manufacture it where neither person is practising it.

Imagine the marriage after the congratulations have stopped. Can you discuss money, sex, care, family expectations and conflict? Do you want this person as a partner in those unphotographed parts of life, or mainly the reassurance of having reached a recognised stage?

You can want commitment without wanting marriage, and marriage without wanting a large wedding. Legal consequences vary, so understand the ones relevant to you with appropriate advice. Most of all, both people should be free to choose. Reluctance is worth hearing before it becomes a promise made to quiet everyone else.

A public promise can matter. Other people witnessing a commitment may help us recognise its seriousness. But a promise becomes valuable through the conduct it invites, not through the size of the gathering around it.

Jing asks about life after the congratulations. I would ask what you believe you are promising within that life. Loyalty does not require agreement with every choice. Care does not require unlimited self-sacrifice. Staying through difficulty should not mean accepting intimidation or harm.

Discuss these meanings rather than assuming that a familiar word gives you the same understanding. You might find that marriage expresses what you freely intend. You might choose another form of partnership. Neither requires treating the other as shallow or incomplete. A useful commitment should help two people live more honestly, rather than make it harder for either to speak.

I suggest separating the decision about marriage from the decision about chair covers. The wedding industry has bundled them together, creating the impression that lifelong commitment requires an urgent opinion about ivory.

First ask whether you want to marry this person. Then, in a different room, ask whether anyone needs a tower of small cakes. The answers are allowed to differ. A strong relationship can survive uncoordinated napkins; a coordinated napkin cannot conduct a difficult conversation.

Jang values witnesses. Fair enough. Choose people who will recognise the promise after the photographs, perhaps even while helping carry a broken washing machine. Anyone can applaud in a hired jacket.

If you do marry, retain the right to laugh when someone solemnly presents two people with a decorative sign saying LOVE. By that stage I hope you have established the topic. Otherwise the caterer deserves a briefing.