Should I get back together with my ex?

Missing someone can make the relationship you remember rather different from the one you lived in. The moments of closeness become vivid; the exhausting conversations lose their sound. This does not make your affection false. It means memory is participating in the decision.

Ask what has changed in the reasons you separated. Time apart may have brought understanding, but understanding alone does not establish a new way of treating each other. Look for specific conduct, including how each of you handles a boundary or a disappointment now.

A return need not mean pretending the separation never happened. You could begin cautiously, with room to discover whether you still want the same things. And if the earlier relationship involved coercion or harm, longing is not an obligation to make yourself available to it again.

People can change. We also sometimes use that possibility to avoid looking at what has remained unchanged. A second beginning deserves neither automatic suspicion nor special exemption from ordinary judgement.

Jing looks for evidence of different conduct. I would also consider whether you can meet as you are now, without making the other person repay the whole lost relationship. A reunion becomes difficult when one person is courting while the other is conducting an appeal.

Speak about what ended things, what you each want today, and what would happen if the old difficulty returned. You may discover a workable new relationship. You may discover that affection remains while compatibility does not. Both discoveries are more useful than trying to recover the exact life you had before. That life included the circumstances in which you parted.

An old relationship should not be advertised as 'new and improved' merely because it has acquired a haircut. I want the release notes.

Previous version: conversations crashed whenever someone mentioned commitment. Current version: allegedly stable. Known issues: still says 'we should talk sometime' and disappears behind a supermarket display.

Of course, people are more interesting than appliances. They can genuinely learn. This is why I favour a demonstration over a spectacular launch event. Let the new relationship show how it handles an ordinary disagreement before ordering commemorative mugs.

Jang is concerned about conducting an appeal. I share his concern. Nobody should have to kiss while their evidence is being cross-examined. If you decide to try again, leave room for a different story. And keep the receipt for the mugs. Those things arrive in boxes of forty-eight.