How do I set boundaries with my parents?

A difficult part of setting a boundary is discovering that you can be clear and considerate and still disappoint your parents. Their disappointment does not, by itself, tell you whether you have done something wrong.

Choose one concrete situation rather than trying to settle the whole history of your family. ‘Please call before visiting. If we have not agreed a time, I may not be available.’ That gives everyone something more definite than ‘You need to respect me.’

You may feel an urge to explain until they agree. Sometimes explanation helps; sometimes it becomes a request for permission to have the boundary at all.

If you depend on them for housing or other essentials, consider what you can realistically sustain. A smaller boundary you can keep may do more than a declaration whose consequences you cannot yet manage.

I agree with Jing about not waiting for permission. But independence need not mean that your parents' wishes cease to matter. You can take a wish seriously without granting it authority over the decision.

Try distinguishing what you are willing to offer from what you are no longer willing to provide. ‘I would like us to speak on Sunday. I will not discuss my partner's faults each time we talk.’ The first sentence expresses a relationship; the second gives it a condition under which it can continue.

When I helped care for my father, affection did not make everyone's capacity equal. Neither did repeating the word ‘duty’.

A boundary can make care more honest. It may reveal what you can give freely once you stop promising what you can only give resentfully.

The trouble began when the family emergency key was quietly promoted to a permanent residence permit. Nobody remembers the meeting. Your mother may have chaired it.

In my imaginary Ministry of Your Front Door, we are reviewing the regulations. Article One: owning a key does not establish visiting hours. Article Two: ‘I was nearby’ describes geography, not an appointment. Article Three: bringing soup earns sincere gratitude, not a deciding vote on your marriage.

Jang would like the relationship to continue. So would I. The ministry has comfortable chairs. It simply no longer operates an unrestricted arrivals terminal.

Keep the actual announcement shorter than these regulations. Bureaucracy is funnier when invented.

Should anyone demand an appeal, explain that the Appeals Department is currently visiting its own parents and has switched off its telephone.