How do I care for an ageing parent without losing myself?

Caring for a parent can stir up more than fatigue. You may feel love, resentment, tenderness, fear and old disappointment within the same hour. Mixed feelings do not establish that you are failing them. They may reveal how much the situation asks of you.

Look at what the care actually involves, including being constantly available in your thoughts. Which tasks require you, which require trained help, and which could someone else learn? Make that workload visible before deciding you should simply cope better.

Your limits deserve attention before they become a crisis. Discuss shared responsibilities, available services and regular time away where possible. Your parent's needs may grow beyond what one person can safely provide. Seeking appropriate care is a response to that reality, not proof of inadequate love. You are still a person with a life, even while someone you love needs more from you.

When my sister and I helped care for our father, discussing duty was easier than agreeing who would handle the next difficult night. General praise for a devoted family can conceal a very particular person doing most of the work.

Jing asks you to make the workload visible. I would take it to the people who say they want to help and request something definite. A journey, a meal, an afternoon, a contribution towards suitable support. If their answer is no, at least the arrangement becomes clearer than an endless cloud of goodwill.

Include your parent in decisions as far as their situation allows. Receiving help does not remove their preferences or dignity. Neither does preserving dignity require keeping every familiar arrangement unchanged. Care may mean adapting the household, accepting outside help, or making a difficult transition with attention rather than waiting until exhaustion decides for everyone.

A remarkable magic trick occurs in families: the person who remembers every appointment gradually becomes invisible. Everyone sees the appointment. Nobody sees the seven messages, the changed afternoon and the discovery that the required document is under a flowerpot.

As a former magician, I insist we reveal the mechanism. Put the work where people can see it. Include the flowerpot investigation. Invite volunteers to perform one complete trick, from planning to clearing away, rather than appearing for the applause.

Jang wants definite offers. Excellent. 'Anything you need' is a beautiful empty box. Ask whether Tuesday fits inside it. Then check whether Tuesday includes getting there.

Your parent is a person, not a production, and so are you. Even the most devoted stage crew needs to eat. The audience may have to learn how the lights work while you take an actual break.